How You Remind Me
by Rogue Angel2
Summary: A novel following the life of Jondy from the escape until her death as she tries to find out who she really is. Based off of Looking Forward.
1. U Turns

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Dark Angel related. The bumper sticker is an actual sticker that I've seen so the company that printed it owns it. And the story title belongs to Nickleback.  
  
Rating: R  
  
  
  
I sat in my social worker's car. She looked mad, she always looked mad.  
  
"Jonah, please, let this house work out."  
  
I want to correct her, my name isn't Jonah. It's Jondy. But I don't I know she won't like that, it's not a normal name. I press that thought deep into my mind.  
  
"K," I replied.  
  
My gaze goes to the burgundy mini-van in the driveway. There's a sticker on the back. Carla, my social worker, can't read it but I can. It says "God allows u-turns." I don't know who God is but just looking at the sticker lets me know that this house, house number three, won't work out.  
  
I scratch at my hair. It's the longest it's ever been, but it's barely to my eyes. I look up at my bangs, golden blonde. Perfectly golden blonde. But then again, I was designed to be perfect.  
  
Carla finally led me inside the house. I didn't like it. The Martin's, my new family, they had statues of a man nailed to a cross. He reminded me of the Nomlie in the woods. I couldn't look at them. But next to one of the statues was a picture I knew.  
  
I stopped and looked at it, amazed that these people had it in their house. The Blue Lady. I reached up and touched it, I could feel myself smiling. She would protect me here.  
  
I ignored Carla talking about me like I wasn't in the room. "She was caught as a runaway back in February and this is now her third home since."  
  
"Lord above, it's only May." My new mom, Margie, said. My new dad, Harold, grunted.  
  
Carla continued to warn them that I was a wild and rambunctious child that didn't understand a lot of rules, actually I didn't understand a lot. I was a bright kid but most stuff I didn't understand.  
  
I ignored her and I smiled at the Blue Lady. I had found a soldier's home, a family of soldiers. They would report my position to Zack or whoever else was in charge of those of us who escaped, and they would come get me. And I would get to see my unit, my family again.  
  
The Martin's and Carla finished their coffee and Carla left. I very quickly found out that the Martin's were no soldiers.  
  
They were better than the Jeraldi's. The Jeraldi's didn't have enough food or room for all of their kids all the time so I often found myself laying on the floor as I pretended to sleep. My stomach growled a lot there.  
  
They were better then the Ivan'. They were always drunk.  
  
But they were not better by much. Margie let me know straight off that I was at no point to ever call her mom, mommy, or mother unless we were at church or with her church group. I was tempted to ask what church was but I held my tongue.  
  
Harold drank and had a really bad comb over. He was angry a lot. He didn't like the statues in the house either. They were of a man named Jesus Christ. And when Margie was gone he would say mean things to him. Most I didn't understand but he sounded mad, like Lydecker did when someone failed. I tried to stay away from Harold when he was like that.  
  
On my second night there, we were eating dinner. Margie had made pot roast, it smelled really good. She dipped her head and mumbled before she spoke. I listened while she talked. I didn't understand, much like everything else.  
  
She looked up and saw me just sitting there, "Jonah, bow your head."  
  
I did as she said.  
  
"Now say grace." She said.  
  
"Grace." I muttered.  
  
"Jonah!" She hissed. "Say it right."  
  
I leaned over more in embarrassment, my ears turned red, and I sat there in silence.  
  
"Jonah." She hissed again.  
  
"Jesus Christ, Marge. She doesn't know it." Harold said.  
  
Margie was quiet instantly. She finally spoke, her voice soft but cold and condescending. "Are you religious, dear?"  
  
I looked up, "Should I be?"  
  
"Of course dear, everyone should believe in our Lord and Savior, Jesus  
  
Christ."  
  
"I've never heard of him." I admitted softly.  
  
"Your parents..." She started but she stopped when I looked away. They think silence means it's a subject that hurts too much to talk about. I don't have parents, never did, it didn't hurt. "You look at the Mary portrait though."  
  
I was confused at first, then it hit me, "The Blue Lady?"  
  
"Blue Lady?" She asked, "Yes she wears blue but she is the Virgin Mary."  
  
I swallowed, "My brother Ben, he told us stories about her."  
  
"Was Ben Christian?" She asked.  
  
I shook my head no, "We didn't know who she was, we just had a picture of her. He made up stories for us though." I smiled in memory. The stories had scared me sometimes but thinking of Ben made me happy.  
  
"What kind of stories?" She asked, her voice no longer interested. She was looking to put me down again.  
  
"She would protect our family and watch over us if we were good." I said lowly.  
  
She smiled, as if that had passed her test. "You'll come to church with me on Sunday and you'll accept the Lord as your savior."  
  
"What about the Lady?" I asked.  
  
"Just the Lord." She hissed.  
  
I dropped it. I learned then not to argue with Margie, especially about  
  
church. And NEVER talk about the Lady again.  
  
  
  
***  
  
I've been to Psych Ops before. I had gotten mad at Ben for telling a story that made Quin cry. He kept trying to scare her. I told him to stop. Then I punched him. I beat him up. Zack and Eva had to pull me off of him. When the Colonel came in he saw Ben's bloody face and he asked who did it. Jace, being loyal as she was, had pointed to me. No one else was going to tell. But she did.  
  
I spent two weeks in a dark room with no food. Half of the time someone came in and beat me for my insolence. After the two weeks was over I was allowed back to the group. Ben never picked on Quin again and Jace wouldn't look me in the eyes for months.  
  
Psych Ops wasn't fun. Church? Church was worse.  
  
There was a giant statue of the Jesus guy behind this man who told us that everything was bad. Killing was bad. I have killed. Lying was bad. I lied. Everything I had ever done at Manticore or since had been bad. I was gonna go to Hell. Hell was like the Bad Place and the head Nomlie was named Satan. I was scared. Very scared of this Satan guy. He was worse than Lydecker. Maybe Lydecker was Satan. Maybe this "Father" guy that was telling these stories had met Lydecker in a hot place and thought he was Satan. The devil.  
  
And not to mention I had to wear a dress and have little plastic clips in my hair. I felt like an ugly doll but even in this hideous dress I was still beautiful. I will always be beautiful. I was just learning what beauty was. My family had it in spades, as the saying goes. All of us were designed to be pretty.  
  
After church, we drove home in silence. I got out of the car and climbed up into a tree. I thought of my family. Ben would like church, Zack would hate it. Max. she would like it, she liked Ben's stories the most.  
  
I then began to wonder what my family would look like with hair. How they'd look as they got older.  
  
Then there was a loud popping noise. As if everything just shut off at once. People began to yell at things, only to then realize it was bigger than just them. It was much bigger.  
  
I heard Margie and Harold arguing in the house, nothing would work in the house. I could hear the same arguments for blocks. Chaos. A distraction. Someone was coming. I ran up to my room. Changed out of my dress and got on some of my play clothes. I threw everything I liked into a bag and snuck out of my window and ran away.  
  
June was looking to be a good month for me. A very good month. 


	2. Unholy Unions

"Unholy Union"  
  
Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
I was designed to be a runaway. That was blatantly obvious in the first ten  
  
seconds of my new found freedom. The Post-Pulse world was different, more dangerous. I liked it better that way.  
  
God bless the Pulse. It saved my life, I know it. Everything that Manticore  
  
had to try to track me was gone in an instant. All the techno-babble bullshit was worthless. Any data he had on me until then was worthless. I left Texas  
  
as soon as I could.  
  
California became my new home. It was hot and corrupt, I hated snow and needed money. It worked. And thus was our unholy union.  
  
I learned the ways of the street kid fast. I knew what to do when and how to get what I needed. Like news. People always wanted news. Twenty-five cents would open the paper holders and you could steal all of the papers inside and charge whatever you wanted. With no TV's, Internet, or radio, people would pay to find out what was going on outside of their own bubble. Their desperate need for information was how I ate.  
  
Sleep? I didn't need to. If I had to, absolutely HAD to sleep, the most I could pull is an hour. And that will get me through months, if not longer. I was able to stay awake to guard my stuff so no other kid could steal it.  
  
Once I perfected the paper scams, I moved up to pan handling. Kids like me rake in the money. I'm adorable, I can look horribly pathetic and women line up to give me money.  
  
Men saw something else they would pay for when they looked at me. My hair was growing out and even unwashed it was elegant. Men saw it. Saw my piercing blue eyes, my lips, they wanted it, wanted me. I was still only a kid but I  
  
was more beautiful than most women could hope to dream. I lost my naietivity quickly. I didn't *do* anything but after a few weeks on the street, I knew  
  
every slang word for sex, oral sex, and everything else. Hell, most of it had been offered at a high price and if I had been desperate...  
  
Men don't like pretty girls with morals. Men think along the lines of want,  
  
take, have. And some baffoon's thought I applied to this law of their nature. I broke several hands, a couple legs, and a few arms and shoulders of men who thought that I was theirs for the taking.  
  
One guy tried to touch me and I dropped him like a bad habit. Then I picked  
  
him clean. Watch, money, shoes, belt buckle, jewelry. When I had taken everything of his of worth I stood up. Someone started clapping.  
  
Behind me was a girl, she was older than me by atleast double of my age. She was blonde and pretty for an ordinary. She looked tough. I liked her straight off. "You're good kid." She said to me.  
  
"I know." I say and I move away from the guy.  
  
"You got a name?" She asked me.  
  
"Jondy." I reply.  
  
"I'm Madeline. I go by Line. You run with anyone?"  
  
"Nope." I say.  
  
"You want to?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"I know a kid like you. Acts like he's tough as nails. He's even got the same tattoo."  
  
It's hard to act like your not interested when someone says that. Normally I strive to hide my barcode but since taking residence on the street I haven't paid as much attention to it as I should. I look at her, my eyes blank. "Yeah so. What's in it for you?"  
  
She smiled, "You got skill, I could use kids like you on my team."  
  
"What's in it for me?"  
  
"We work alone and share everything. You always get food, we got a house with heat and running water."  
  
"What if I want to leave?"  
  
"No one holds you down." She said.  
  
I nod, "I'll check it out."  
  
Honestly, I amaze myself that I didn't start begging to see the kid with the tattoo. I played it off cool, like it was no big deal.  
  
She led me to the house. Inside was at least half a dozen kids, some younger than me and none older than her. I look around, it looks bearable.  
  
She moves up to a guy that is obviously the oldest guy in the house, "You seen Mecha?"  
  
"He's down in the basement fixing the heater again." The guy says with a thick New York accent. Or at least what I think is a New York accent.  
  
Line come back over to me. "He's downstairs."  
  
"His name's Mecha?" I ask.  
  
"Everyone here has a code name, a street name. I'm Line. And the kid, he's an all star. He fixes everything. Mechanic shortened to Mecha."  
  
I nod. "I'm gonna go introduce myself.  
  
She waved me off and I headed down the stairs silently. I saw a guy about my age with a tuft of jet black hair and a barcode. I knew the numbers instantly. The hair was a surprise, but then again so was my probably. I cleared my throat, "Am I supposed to call you Mecha or will your real name work, big brother?"  
  
He stood up, frozen. Slowly he turned, he didn't recognize me at first. I smiled and then his emerald eyes lit up. "Jondy?"  
  
We hugged, how could we not. It had been months since I had seen him. I didn't even know if he had escaped or not. We pulled back and I looked at him, he was crying. I couldn't hide my surprise, "Zane, soldiers don't cry." I said softly.  
  
He smiled bitterly, "Newsflash Jondy, we're not soldiers anymore."  
  
Holy shit, call that the one thought I never had. We weren't soldiers anymore. It took a long time to absorb that concept.  
  
Then something unexplainable happened. My eyes started leaking. I was scared, I couldn't explain what was going on. I looked to Zane. "What's happening to me?" I asked.  
  
He smiled softly and dried a tear with his thumb. "You're crying."  
  
I had never cried before. Not when siblings would get dragged off to Psych Ops, not if I was in Psych Ops, not when Jack was dragged off, not when Eva was shot, not when Zack got captured for me and Max, not when Max and I got separated. Never! But for Zane I cried, everything was looking good for me for real this time. I found one sibling. Come on, how hard could it possibly be to find the others? 


	3. Penny For Your Thoughts

Living with the other street kids was a nice change of pace for me. Living alone had been more difficult than I thought it would be and Zane and Line made the new situation great. Line was a strong leader, fair and kind. She would cheat the rules a little but she never played favorites. And Zane. living with my brother was great. We had always been close, almost always paired together, either in a marching line or in training. It was either him or Lex.  
  
It was still so weird to think that we would never have to do another marching line for the rest of our lives. It had been a year and I still had trouble remembering we weren't solders anymore, that I'm not just a twelve digit number that I'm a person with a name. A full name now.  
  
I was given the street name of Riley, because I would get excited or "riled" up about little things. Things that were common thought to everyone would get me so excited.  
  
The thing that helped with the change of mind was our appearances, we didn't look like soldiers anymore. My hair fell past my shoulders in thin golden strands. My eyes still could look dangerous but they were often hidden behind the soft gold of my hair.  
  
Zane's jet black hair was thicker than mine, it was always shaggy and it bounced into his eyes. His eyes were amazing, always smiling, just like he was.  
  
My smiles were much more rare.  
  
It became a joke between us that we looked nothing alike. We still told people we were siblings but we were so different that people didn't always believe us. We didn't look alike. We didn't act alike, he was always laughing always caring, I was more sarcastic and more serious. And to some people we weren't siblings just close.  
  
I learned that there are two kinds of family. Biological and then what the X5's had. I probably don't share a single gene with ANY of my unit but they're still my family. More so than any biological relation could ever pretend to be.  
  
This does not mean that Zane and I never fought. We did. A lot. Both sparring and verbally. Usually we'd bicker about stupid stuff, he likes dogs and I like cats. But there was one topic we'd talk about that would cause huge issues. Zack.  
  
Zack had found Tinga and Zane several days after the escape. He separated them but gave them both a contact phone and number. Tinga left Zane her number and he called her so they were in touch. And then when the Pulse happened, their phones were off so they were spared of the damage. And though the lines were down for a bit, phones were the first technology to come back after the Pulse.  
  
And here lies the issue. I want to see Zack, to be contacted in case of emergency but if I call Zack, if I see Zack, he'll separate me and Zane.  
  
The solution to this problem arrived suddenly one day. A girl, a couple years older than me with golden copper skin. Tinga.  
  
Her foster family had taken a family vacation to San Jose and she asked if she could go see a foster brother for the day, they allowed it. So she came to see Zane.  
  
She saw me and was so incredibly shocked. I knew Zane had been in contact with her but he apparently didn't tell Tinga about me. I was furious, he was keeping me a secret from my own family.  
  
Tinga, like Zane, was not a soldier anymore. But she was much more forgiving about it. She had several conculsions to why I couldn't break the habit. The best was that I was an officer, not just a soldier. Zack, Eva, Van, Syl, me, and Jude had all done special training to be leaders.  
  
But she told me that it was ok for me to be who I was, because that's who I am. Tinga's really smart like that.  
  
She was smart and beautiful and kind. She had used money given to her by her foster parents to buy me my own cell phone. Then she gave me Zack's number.  
  
"He will send you away." She said, "But you can be smarter than him and keep in touch with me and Zane. And then you keep spreading our contact stuff around to others you find. Zane forgot that rule, but you won't will you baby sister?"  
  
I promised and in return of her gifts I gave her a coin I had found with a heart shaped hole in it. I put it on a necklace I had stolen and gave it to her.  
  
"It's not much,"  
  
She smiled her warm, rich smile, "It's amazing Jondy, thank you."  
  
I blushed and kicked at the ground, I was poor and her family was rich. "Amazing? It's only a penny."  
  
"It's not that Jondy. It's a gift from you, from your heart."  
  
Tinga treasured that coin. She even adapted the name Penny instead of Tinga or her variation of it, Tina. When Zane asked her about the sudden name change, she winked at me. "Comes from the heart." 


	4. The List and Trypto

I waited several days after Tinga left to call Zack. And for the first time in my life, and certainly not the last, I lied to him. When he answered he was surprised to hear my voice, I'd almost go far enough to say "happy" . But that was only for the instant that he heard my voice, once the surprise was gone he demanded to know how I got the number.  
  
"Tinga."  
  
Where was I living? "Southern California."  
  
Was I on the streets or in a house. "Streets."  
  
Did I want to stay there? I actually hesitated for several moments when he asked me that. I finally told him I'd get back to him about that, and that I missed him, then I hung up on him.  
  
That night, Zane and I sat on the top of a parking garage a couple blocks away from our house. We watched the stars up there often, just thought in the High Place, or whatever but that was where we went together. He had been really mad at me for calling Zack but when he realized that I had been smart, I hadn't mentioned us being together or anything, he was not as mad. And he couldn't really be mad at how talking to Zack made me feel, I had been smiling all day. I don't smile. He couldn't be mad at me when I smile.  
  
It had been so relieving to hear from Zack, to know he was ok. He had risked himself to let me and Max get away and now that I knew he was safe I felt better.  
  
I got other forms of comfort from talking to Zack, he accidentally. or maybe not. let the number of escapees slip. Twelve. He also, in his own way, let me know that Max had been one of the ones who made it. She had not been killed like Nox, or captured like Zack or Quin, so there was a chance to find her.  
  
This is how "The List" started. "The list" is how we would keep track of everyone in our unit. Escaped, Unaccounted, Manticore, or Dead, is how you could be listed. Under Escaped was Zane, Zack, Me, Max and Tinga. Manticore had Quin and Jace, and Dead was Nox. Most of the unit was unaccounted for now but as we found the others or heard news, names would shift categories. There were seven missing blanks in the Escaped category but we vowed to find and account for every member of our family.  
  
We made a series of vows that night. If we were ever separated we would find a way to talk regularly; if we found any of the others, we would have to share all the information we had with them.  
  
And everything seemed so right, in that moment. But it was too good to be true. Zane was in mid-sentence, trying to think of a new vow/pact for us and he stopped speaking and lifted his hand. It was shaking. He stared at it in amazement, I stared at it in fear. Then suddenly he fell over, his whole body shaking violently.  
  
Images of Jack being dragged away flooded my head. And then images of Max seizing and everything preceding the escape filled my head. And honestly, I panicked. I had no idea what I was supposed do to, what I could do. So I did the one thing I could think of.  
  
I called Zack.  
  
His voice didn't have any of the near joy it did earlier, it was gruff and harsh, not what a panicking ten year old needs to hear, "WHAT?" He shouted.  
  
"I'm with Zane and he's shaking. What do I do?"  
  
He took a breath and calmed down, "How bad?"  
  
"Jack bad."  
  
Again he paused and thought over a response. "Do you have milk?"  
  
"I can get some."  
  
"Do it. He needs to drink it. Then find a pharmacy and get a bottle of Tryptophan."  
  
"Alright." I said, now that I had a mission I could focus now.  
  
"Where are you guys, I'll come help."  
  
"Like hell you will." I said and I hung up on him. I ran over to Zane and was about to tell him that I'd be right back but he was SO scared, I couldn't leave him. So I grabbed him and pulled him over my shoulder and then jumped off of the ten story parking garage. I landed softly and thanked my cat DNA and then hurried over to the house. I laid Zane on the floor of the kitchen and grabbed the milk.  
  
I heard Line enter but I ignored it as I force fed Zane the milk. She started to protest, the milk belonged to the whole house but then she saw his feet flopping around like fish out of water. She ran over, "Riley, what's up with Mecha?"  
  
"Seizures. I have to go get pills."  
  
"I'll watch him." She said.  
  
"Make sure he drinks milk." I said, she nodded. She would make a good soldier.  
  
I thanked her and then ran at top speed to a pharmacy and launched myself through the glass windows. I got to my feet in a fluid roll and quickly found where the Tryptophan was. I took everything they had in stock and ran like hell back to the house.  
  
After a handful of pills his shaking subsided and I gave Line some money that I had saved to go buy milk. He was still shaking a little as he pulled himself up into a sitting position. "Thanks." He said softly, with a weak smile.  
  
I looked away, "Don't thank me. I panicked. Thank Zack."  
  
I could sense Zane tense, he looked around.  
  
"I called him." I continued, trying so hard to be strong and failing miserably. The tears started to fall as the full extent of my fears hit me. "You could have died, Zane. I didn't know what to do. I had to call."  
  
He hugged me and told me it was ok. I sobbed for the first time in my life, about every fear or doubt that I've ever had. I cried all of them out in his arms. 


	5. Hit the Deck

"Hit the Deck"  
  
Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
  
  
After I robbed the pharmacy we decided it wasn't safe to stay in California.  
  
We left before dawn the next day. Zack could catch wind of where we were and find us, and with the near-loss of Zane, I knew I didn't want him to find us.  
  
We headed east and found ourselves in Las Vegas. Here we did everything we could to survive without selling ourselves: stealing papers, pick pocketing, pan handling, car boosting, I even drew people for cash. It put food on our table and got us clothes and blankets.  
  
Zack didn't like the fact that we were still together, he hated it. He called us several times, we we're risking ourselves and the others. My response was, "If you can't find us, what makes you think Lydecker will?" Zack would mutter a response and hang up.  
  
Vegas was great. We had a steady source of income and we were together. I couldn't think of too much more that I could want. But Vegas had something else in store for us.  
  
When Zane and I first started living together he would try to stay up with me, to keep me company but after nearly a year, he had given up.  
  
So one night, as he slept, I went out to walk the Strip. I was hoping to score something to give to him to celebrate our year together. I must have been caught in a day dream or memory or something because I was hardly paying attention to where I was walking, because one second I was walking and the next I bumped into him.  
  
Lydecker.  
  
He looked at me and I looked at him. If I spoke, he would recognize my voice, if I didn't speak it'd be suspicious, if I ran, I was dead.  
  
He spoke first, "A little late for a kid like you to be about, isn't it?"  
  
I suddenly remembered Shay, the oldest boy in the house, the one with the accent, I remembered his accent. I had to use it.  
  
"I know." I said in a low, tough Brooklyn accent. "But, ya see, m' mom, she's workin' down at da club and she's late again. Sorry, I bumped inta ya, mista."  
  
"Which club? I can walk you. You shouldn't walk alone at night, there are bad men out here."  
  
*I know, you're one of them* I thought.   
  
He smiled at my silence. I've never been so scared of a smile in my life. I was scared shitles, my cover was blown, I was made. He was gonna call in the Tac Team. But in the silence, I nodded and we walked down the Strip together.  
  
After several steps he looked at me, I kept my eyes forward. "So, sweetheart, what's your name?" He asked.  
  
I must have opened and closed my mouth several times. He looked at me. My cover was so far gone. "You *do* have a name, don't you?" He asked.  
  
"Listen mista, I ain't supposed to tell no one my name. My mom says so. She says don't talk ta strangers. So thanks for walkin with me and all... but if ya don't go I'll scream."  
  
He reached over to grab me and like I promised I screamed bloody murder. A bouncer from the club we were in front of came over. "There a problem?"  
  
I managed some fake tears and pointed to Lydecker, "He tried to touch my girl place."  
  
The big ass black man stormed over to Lydecker and punched him hard. Lydecker fell to the ground. And as tempted as I was to stay and watch Lydecker get pummeled by this guy, I ran.  
  
I ran as fast as my legs would carry me back Zane. I woke him, "Get  
  
everything, Lydecker's in Vegas."  
  
Zane and I scrambled around and got what we absolutely needed. Ten minutes later we were on a cargo train heading towards Chicago. Zane was scared but he was also very tired, he was not able to stay awake long.  
  
When I was certain he was asleep, I pulled out my phone. I dialed and waited.  
  
"Yeah?" Zack's voice came.  
  
"Lydecker's in Las Vegas." I said softly, "He saw me but I got away."  
  
"And Zane?"  
  
"We're leaving the city and Lydecker's not following."  
  
"What now Jondy?" Zack asked, he knew what I wanted but he wanted me to say it so I couldn't hate him later.  
  
"I want to be somewhere safe, not too much snow, not Texas, and definitely a non-religious family."  
  
"You do understand that I won't let you and Zane be near each other?"  
  
"I know you'll keep him safe and that's what matters." I said.  
  
"Where are you now?"  
  
"We're on a train heading towards Chicago. Beat us there and don't let Zane know that I was the one who tipped you."  
  
"I won't." He said and then he hung up.  
  
True to his word, Zack beat us to Chicago and he made it seem like he had caught news of us. He played his part well.  
  
Zane saw Zack and tried to bolt, he grabbed my arm but I didn't try to run. He stopped. I looked at Zack, he looked different with hair. I didn't want to miss of this moment with Zack, or at least that's how I made it seem. And Zane would never run without me.  
  
True to his word he separated us. He kept me in Chicago and moved Zane to Detroit. I was enrolled into a special school for smart kids. If I had gone to a regular school I would be in the second or third grade, learning how to write cursive and how to add. But I could write in eight different languages and do complex mathematical equations in my head.  
  
Technically, I didn't need to go to school but it was something to do,  
  
something to kill time until I was old enough to get a real job.  
  
Before Zack left me he gave me a few small bits of advice: play it safe, know when to be right and know when to be wrong, call for emergencies only, and be ready to move in an instant.  
  
I listened. I never unpacked while I lived in Chicago. 


	6. Additions to the List

"Additions to the List"  
  
Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
Zack had made one critical mistake when he put me where he did, he didn't know the school boundaries.  
  
The first day at my new school, I walked in and and I saw them instantly. Two girls, sitting alone in the back of the room. One was blonde with dark brown eyes and the other had the same brown eyes and dark hair that matched. I smiled and walked over. "Hey." I said softly, almost hesitantly.  
  
"Big kids only." The blonde said coldly.  
  
The brunette hit the other girl, "Hey, quit it, that's Jondy."  
  
I smiled, "Nice to know that someone recognized me."  
  
The brunette, Grix, smiled, "How could I forget, I gave you that name."  
  
The blonde smiled, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "Good to see you Jondy."  
  
"You too Syl."  
  
"How'd you end up here?" Grix asked.  
  
"One guess." I said with a chagrined look, "Zack."  
  
"Of course." Grix said.  
  
I leaned over, "Who'd you escape with? Who do you know didn't make it? Who made it?" I asked in a rush.  
  
"Hey, we're not supposed to talk about that." Syl said.  
  
Grix interjected, "I got out with Van, we saw Lex get dragged back. Ben and Tosh made it past the fence and Nox..."  
  
I nodded, "I know..."  
  
We stayed quiet for a second to honor him. Then I spoke, "Syl?"  
  
"Krit and I got out together, Jace, Jude, and Fyn didn't run. I didn't see anyone die."  
  
I smiled, more for the list. I told them about the secret communications ring and gave them the numbers. Syl acted like she didn't want to know but I saw her try to memorize the numbers.  
  
Grix thought that I was really smart for staying with Zane as long as possible. She told me she still wished she was with Van but Van, being a hard core soldier (more than me), she made them separate straight off.  
  
Syl never talked about being separated from Krit, about anything Manticore related, except for being a solider.  
  
Grix laughed. Grix could always laugh at something, she was always so happy.  
  
For three months it was great. My parents weren't the best but being with Grix and even Syl made everything worth it.  
  
But then one day Grix didn't show up at school. Syl sat in her usual seat, anger and sadness in her eyes but the rest of her conveyed no emotion.  
  
I motioned at Grix's seat, "Where is she?"  
  
"Her foster parents dumped her and she had to move houses, the new one is so far out of the district that she can't get a waver." She replied with a cold, emotionless voice.  
  
I nodded and sat in my seat. I didn't cry for Grix. If I had to, I knew how to reach her and she could reach me.  
  
Besides, I still had one sister I could see everyday. 


	7. Sisters, Soldiers, and Seizures Oh My

"Sisters, Soldiers, and Seizures. Oh My"  
  
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1  
  
If Syl and I had been anyone but Syl and me we probably would have gotten along great. But the sad truth is Syl and I are Syl and I, as Tinga would say, "We were who we were." And truth be told, we were too much alike. Grix had been closer to Tinga and Zane in personality. She was still a soldier but she wasn't like Syl or me.  
  
Syl and I were soldiers. We're both blond, both beautiful, smart, same sense of humor (or lack there of), both perfectionists, both have the same emotional capacity. We looked like sisters and we barely acted like it. Actually we were like real sisters were, you know biological sisters. I doubt we actually share *any* genes but we look it. And based purely on the fact that we were sisters we acknowledged each other's existence. Still we just barely did it at that.  
  
I don't remember exactly how it started, if I asked her or she asked me or we just started it randomly. But we started training together. We told our foster parents that we were studying or playing or something but we weren't by their rules. By ours we were. We were studying military strategy, playing with weapons, and we also learned different combat styles.  
  
We sparred, like I had done with Zane. But when I fought against Zane it was fun; with Syl it was literally a life and death fight. It was a competition because we couldn't fail in front of the other but it was also a struggle, we fought for real. Completely real fighting situations, any weapons found were usable and anything goes.  
  
It had been almost six months since Grix had left, nine since I came to Chicago. I was nearing on eleven. Syl and I were at our third secret spot to spar at. This time it was an old abandoned factory.  
  
She had landed a few early blows on me. My lip was split and bleeding but I was still ok to fight. I didn't want to show weakness to her. I could never be weak in front of her.  
  
We continued fighting, matched perfectly. I grabbed her arm and put her in and arm lock and suddenly my body convulsed and I jerked forward with a snap. I let go of Syl's wrist. It was turning black already. I lifted my hand and it was shaking. It had been shaking slightly for a few months now but it was now shaking a lot.  
  
I looked up at Syl. She was looking at me, her eyes full of anger, rage, and sadness. She was cradling her wrist. By not showing restraint in a delicate situation I had broken her trust.  
  
I reached out to touch her, which took so much more control than usual. My whole arm was shaking. "Sorry."  
  
"Don't touch me." She snapped at me.  
  
"Syl." I said and I suddenly dropped to the ground shaking violently.  
  
There is no pain like a seizure. Your muscles contract and expand randomly. It hurts like I would assume a Charley Horse would, I've never had one of those but since it's a muscle contracting more than it should, I would assume they're along the same lines. But they're usually one muscle or muscle group. A seizure is every one and randomly, no control. Just pain and fear.  
  
Syl dropped to the ground next to me, "Jondy, I don't have any Tryptophan on me. I can go.."  
  
"Don't leave me." I said, I didn't even hear her speak, I just didn't want to be alone. "God, don't leave. Please."  
  
She gave me her good hand, "I won't, I promise. We'll get through this."  
  
It took almost an hour for me to stop seizing enough to sit up. Syl had been dipping in and out of shock. Her wrist was pretty bad.  
  
When I finally was able to sit up, she spoke, "I have to get a doctor, I'm gonna call Zack."  
  
"He'll take you away." I said in fear, I didn't want to loose her.  
  
"Like you'd care."  
  
"You just saved my life."  
  
"You're my sister."  
  
"You don't act like it."  
  
"Neither do you."  
  
We sat in silence for a few seconds, "You never liked me." I said finally.  
  
"You're like me and I don't like me. It was never about you."  
  
"Great timing for you to tell me this now, as you're leaving me." I replied.  
  
"I'll call." She said. She got to her feet and put her good hand on my shoulder and squeezed, "You'll be fine."  
  
She left. The next day she wasn't in class, or the next, or the next. Nor was she at training. A day became a week and a week became two. I knew now for certain that I was on my own for good. And the phone was no comfort.  
  
Zane's foster parents were always on his ass so our calls were short, and very bland; Tinga's stories of her foster family's wealth made me sad, Grix's new parents weren't good, she never laughed as much anymore, Zack was always mad that I called, and Syl.. Syl never called. 


	8. A Big Step Towards Growing Up

"Big Step Towards Growing Up."  
  
Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
  
  
All those horrible stereotypes of foster kids, where they just plain old stop caring, that was me. Without any of my siblings in my life, or playing bit parts, I withdrew into my shell.  
  
And during all of this, my foster mother had been having an affair and one day she just walked out. Just like Syl had. She said she would be right back and she never came back. My foster father started drinking. A lot. Mr. Martin had been a loud drunk but Mr. Daniels was a mean drunk.  
  
I was the only foster kid in the house, there were his two biological children Kelly and David. He would never touch them. But I wasn't his kid.  
  
It's amazing how much someone who doesn't give a shit, doesn't care about being hit. In a weird way, I wanted him to. I wanted to feel pain, cause as a soldier, I felt nothing. When I receded, I cared less. I liked not caring but I liked pain more.  
  
When he would hit me, I would think of Manticore and being tortured by Lydecker. At least there I had been with my family. There would have been someone there to help me through my seizures, or just to listen to me as I tried to figure out how the world worked, it would have been easier. So much easier. I would have never let Rick Daniels beat the shit out of me over and over. I would have had the will to call Zack and tell him to move me. Hell I would have called CPS if I had to.  
  
But I didn't. They were called for me.  
  
I was moved. And I soon fell into the same pattern that I was in before the Pulse. In three months I had gone through six houses. The Jeffery's, the Clarks', the Peter's, the Lewis', the Quincy's, and the Vantherness'. I pity all of them for having me in their lives. I was a pretty girl, who talked back, got into fights at school, and drew all the time. I was no pearl of fun, that's for damn sure. Especially when I moved out of the district for my school. I was placed into the sixth grade. I dropped out and took my GED and graduated high school.  
  
Zack finally came back to check on me. Since I wasn't in school there was little to keep me occupied. I was always restless and a bit obnoxious. And I was usually bruised or beaten from a fight. I had made it a point to stop winning.  
  
He was standing at the corner near my house, and I saw him. I turned around instantly and started walking the other way. That's what tipped him off. He caught up to me and grabbed my arm. He didn't recognize me at first, I don't blame him. I looked like shit.  
  
I noticed something else then too. I was eye level with him, if not a little taller. I had not realized that I had grown that tall. He looked at me, "Jondy?"  
  
"No go away." I snapped.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Life."  
  
"You're a solider, get over it." He said.  
  
"I'm a solider, and I don't give a shit." I said back.  
  
He knew I had him beat there. I didn't give a shit. I didn't have a unit anymore, my mission was to blend in. I was doing that. He set his jaw in usual Zack fashion.  
  
"You're only twelve Jondy, be a kid."  
  
"I don't know how." I snapped back. It was true. "And you know what Zack, I'm either a kid or a soldier. Pick one."  
  
"You're a smart ass." He said back coldly.  
  
"Add it to the list then." I retorted.  
  
"Stop back talking." He ordered.  
  
"Court martial me, please."  
  
Zack glared at me, tempted. He knew I wanted him to hit me. But he would never give me the satisfaction, "Go home and pack, you're coming with me."  
  
"I never unpacked." I said, "You told me not to."  
  
He let go of my arm finally and led me back to my house. My foster parents weren't home, which was no surprise, so I got my bags and we left. I closed my eyes the whole ride. I didn't want to know where we were going, I was just glad to be leaving.  
  
Several hours later he stopped the car. "I do this, and you clean up your act. If you don't then I'll find something not as pleasant to kick you ass back into you."  
  
"I am who I am." I said without opening my eyes. "Just who the hell is that?"  
  
He sighed, "I'm gonna keep a better eye on you Jondy. You'll do ok, this is just a rough time for you."  
  
"Can I go yet?" I asked.  
  
He sighed again, "Yes. I have you in room 321."  
  
I opened my eyes, "A hotel?"  
  
"You'll understand in several days. Go and only open the door for one person."  
  
"Who?" I asked. Was he going to turn me over to Lydecker because I was being problematic?  
  
"You'll know." He said. He tossed me a pill case, "And take these in a couple days. Take only one a day and make it a regular habit."  
  
I rolled my eyes and stuffed them into my bag. I got all of my shit and got out of the car, I turned and said goodbye to him. He smiled and wished me the best. I went up to the room and laid on the bed.  
  
That night I was so fricken hot. I had never been so warm in my life. I took a cold shower, cranked on the air conditioner and opened the windows.  
  
I then remembered weird calls I had gotten from my sisters. Tinga had called me and said if I every got ungodly hot for no reason, that I was to call Zack immediately. I thought that pretty redundant now.  
  
Then I remember Grix's call. She told me that Syl had given her a similar warning. And she told me to look out for my period and such and when I did, I was to call Zack immediately.  
  
I was perplexed by that one but Tinga had been right on the money. I was hot. REALLY HOT.  
  
Around four in the morning there was a knock on the door. I went to the door and looked through the peep hole. A very confused looking boy with jet black hair and emerald colored eyes was standing there. I ripped the door open, "Zane?"  
  
"Jondy?" He smiled. He came into the room and shut the door.  
  
We hugged. I felt warmth flow through me. He must have felt it too because he commented on it. "Jondy. are you ok?"  
  
"Of course. why do you ask?"  
  
"Because I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to kiss you." He said, touching my face.  
  
"What if I want you to?" I replied.  
  
"What if that's not all?" He asked.  
  
I nodded and we kissed.  
  
It finally clicked in my head, what was going on with me. The warnings from my sisters. I have animal DNA, animals go into heat. So here I am, nearing thirteen years of age about to have sex with my brother who's barely thirteen years old. I silently thanked Zack that he had brought me to the one guy I felt perfectly comfortable with. But then I hated him. Zane and I were siblings, now we were about to have sex and I couldn't stop myself.  
  
I closed my eyes and let whatever was going to happen, happen. I opened them briefly, Zane was shirtless. His thirteen year old frame was slightly defined but not greatly. He was very attractive. I bit my lip. He noticed I stopped. "What is it Jondy?"  
  
"Please don't hurt me."  
  
"I never will." He said. And the rest blurred away in a fit of passion. 


	9. A New Leaf

"A New Leaf"  
  
Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
You would think once a couple becomes sexually active that they kept at it. Not Zane and I. I knew part of him wanted to, just like part of me did but we didn't want to do something stupid, like get me pregnant. Although... Zack's pills he gave me were birth control, I just chose not to share that with Zane.  
  
Any plan that Zack had to "fix me" by reuniting me with Zane was a worthless idea. My methodology was addictive. Zane became like me instead of me like him. We were both teenage punks with bad attitudes that didn't give a shit.  
  
We left Detroit, if that's even where we were. I didn't care to ask. Zane and I took turns driving a stolen truck until we hit an ocean. Ok, not ocean, but the Gulf of Mexico. We ended up in New Orleans, the Big Easy, a great place for two kids who don't care about anything but each other.  
  
Winter in New Orleans was nice, no snow. Spring brought rain, Mardi Gras, floods, and my second heat phase came in late spring. Zane had sensed it, or smelt it, coming for a week. He stocked the house like a bomb shelter. He had enough food and supplies to last three to seven days on lenient rations.  
  
I thought it was weird how during heat, he couldn't keep his hands off of me but after it was back to siblings. It was like he was walking some thin moral line and if he stepped over he was supposed to run right back. I didn't force anything even though I wanted more.  
  
Spring melted away and summer brought heat. Wet heat. Humidity at 200%.  
  
Gritty. I liked it. Summer also brought a familiar face.  
  
I was walking down Bourbon Street to go to the grocery store when I bumped into an Asian girl. Not just an Asian girl, but a cheery one. A frightfully cheery one. She apologized for bumping into me and then grabbed my arm, "Jondy. Is that you?"  
  
"Yeah... Brin?"  
  
She smiled, part of me wanted to smack that smile off her face but I was happy to see her. She suddenly threw her arms around me in a tight hug. I wanted to wiggle away from it. But I awkwardly returned the hug.  
  
She grabbed my hand and led me to a diner. "Tell me everything." She said.  
  
"Who did you get out with?" I asked.  
  
"I got out with Cade." She said.  
  
"Hm. that doesn't work out."  
  
"What doesn't?"  
  
"Zack said twelve of us got out. Cade makes thirteen."  
  
Brin was excited. "You know everyone who made it? Oh tell me!"  
  
"Well, it's me, Zane, Zack, Tinga, Max, You, Cade, Ben, Tosh, Van, Grix, Krit, and Syl."  
  
Brin counted them in her head, "Wow, that's not a lot of us."  
  
"I know. Did you see anyone who didn't make it?"  
  
Brin shook her head, "I just ran. Cade struggled to keep up. He would know."  
  
"Where's Cade?"  
  
"We got separated by CPS. He's living in Kentwood, I think."  
  
"Sorry." I said softly.  
  
Brin ordered us some sandwiches and pop at ungodly high prices. I should have told her that we could go somewhere else and get it cheaper but she had the money to pay. I cringed inwardly, another Tinga.  
  
She looked at me, concern on her face, "Were your homes bad?"  
  
I shrugged, "Not really."  
  
"Then what's with the look?"  
  
"What look? This is me." I retorted.  
  
"I don't think so. Look at yourself Jon, really look."  
  
I looked up and saw my reflection. My hair came down to my budding breasts. I was wearing dirty black clothes that were way too big. My hair was ratty and I had blue and black streaks of dye in it. It didn't look so golden anymore. My sapphire eyes were blanketed under a layer of black eye make up. I had a barbell through my eye brow and a ring in my nose, not to mention rings all up my ears. I didn't recognize myself. I didn't like it. I got up suddenly and ran to the bathroom. Brin followed after. I flooded the sink as I washed off the dark make up.  
  
Brin stood next to the sink and she watched me take out my facial piercings and most of the ones in my ears. I dropped them down the drain.  
  
I still looked awful but most of it was more internal now. Brin smiled at me. "Better."  
  
I nodded and smiled. I haven't smiled really in years. Brin put her arm around me, "Let's go get you some new clothes."  
  
So we went shopping. Stores and names I'd never have looked at before. Gap, Docker's, Levi, Banana Republic, and so on. Then we went to a barber shop.  
  
By the time I got back to the place where Zane and I lived, I was a whole different girl. My hair was golden again, it came down just a little past my shoulders. I was dressed in calm colors, beige and light blue.  
  
Zane came home and hour later. He was in torn and tattered denim and black. His hair was partially in ratty braids that poked straight up and mixed with his hair that stood up. His early hints at facial hair even looked dirty. His lip stud and eyebrow ring reflected light as he moved in. "Yo, Jon I'm. holy shit."  
  
I sat there in a khaki skirt and a light blue open collar skirt. "Hi Zane."  
  
"What's up with that?" He asked.  
  
"I'm tired of looking dirty. Of being like that. I'm tired of not caring."  
  
He looked at me and didn't speak for a bit. A smile spread across his face, "So can I get that dog now?" I didn't smile and his faded instantly. "What is it Jondy?"  
  
"I want to get in touch with Zack and take a command position with the unit. Help him round everyone up."  
  
"He's found everyone." Zane said. "I know he has."  
  
"I just talked with him an hour ago. He didn't know that Brin and Cade were here, he lost Grix, and he has yet to find Ben, Tosh, and Max."  
  
Zane looked at me like I had just shot him. "You called him?"  
  
"I need to be active, Zane. I need to care."  
  
He nodded, angry. Furious. "If you have to be a soldier than go be one. Just don't come back. I hate you when you have to be a solider and I don't want to know you like that."  
  
I wasn't prepared for that. I grit my teeth and a tear rolled down my cheek, "Fine."  
  
"And I'll get a dog, I know you hate dogs so I know you won't come around."  
  
I nodded, "Fine. I'm gonna go pack, and if you don't want Zack to move you, I'd suggest you beat him out of town."  
  
"I. Don't. Care." Zane retorted. He leaned back in the couch and crossed his arms.  
  
I packed and met Zack down the street.  
  
"Where's Zane?"  
  
"We fought and I left. I don't know where he went." I lied.  
  
Zack put his hand on my shoulder, "You're making the right decision. I'm glad Zane helped you."  
  
"Zane? No. Brin. Zane doesn't care."  
  
Zack was perplexed by this but he didn't argue.  
  
We drove to Brin's and picked her up and then drove to Kentwood and got Cade. The four of us drove to Chicago and Zack split them up there.  
  
I watched them hug and part ways. Zack turned to me. "Where do you want to start looking?"  
  
"I'll go West. You go East?" I suggested.  
  
He nodded, "Call me with any information."  
  
I nodded. I saluted him in my head. I was a soldier again. I had a better mission. Fitting in was shit. Caring but not caring was the biggest waste of two years ever. I was gonna find Max before Zack and I would run away with her and it would be all good and she'd help me forget how much Zane hurt me. He promised he'd never hurt me. 


	10. Blue Lady Confessionals

"Blue Lady Confessionals"  
  
Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
I had full and complete intentions to follow through with my mission. FULL INTENTIONS. I just got distracted. I went into heat. I didn't have time to call Zack, I still didn't know the signs until too late. And Zane wasn't there for me.  
  
The guy's name was Ryan. 6'1", blond hair, hazel eyes, nicely built, eighteen years old, and rough neck. He worked in a factory of some sort.  
  
I told him I was sixteen, he believed it. I was tall enough, attractive enough.  
  
When Zane had been gentle, Ryan had been rougher. I had only had slow passionate love making, not the heated passion that I got with Ryan. He was more experienced too. It was a different type of love with him. It was physical. Our whole relationship was physical. It's really all we had, but part of me wanted it that way.  
  
I knew it wasn't really love but I let myself believe it was. I let myself fall really hard for him. And I could only prove that to him by having sex with him. A lot of sex. Every night and whenever he wanted it. I became his slut. Brin's clothes that she had bought for me went to the bottom of a bag that I kept in my closet.  
  
I wore tight, low jeans, cute but sexy tops that revealed more than I had, and my hair was getting long again, but sexy. My whole look was sexy. Not bad ass sexy, but sluty sexy. I looked like the type of girl that would give head at the drop of a dime and the sick thing was I would. I did. I became the slut that Ryan wanted me to be. And all in the name of "love".  
  
I was laying in Ryan's bed, naked. He was asleep and still sweating. I had long since stopped feeling dirty about fucking him. Since that's what it was, we didn't make love. We fucked. It was a stress reliever, angst remover, no love. Not much anyway.  
  
I watched the lights dance on his ceiling. He rolled over and put his hand on my breast and thumbed it. I knew he was more awake than he was letting on. "Hey baby." I said.  
  
"Hey. god you're amazing."  
  
*I'm not amazing, I just fuck amazingly.* I thought with a mixture of disgust and pride.  
  
He leaned over and kissed me. I returned the kiss, trying to put passion into it, but there was none to be had, so it just became a cue for him to screw me again.  
  
Again he fell asleep right after, barely half an hour later he was done and now he was asleep. I heard a soft ringing and I got out of bed stealthily. I grabbed his shirt and pulled it on. I ran to where my phone.  
  
"Hello?" I answered into it.  
  
I expected Tinga, Grix, or Brin. Never the voice I heard. "Do you still believe?" The young boy's voice asked.  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"Do you still believe?" He repeated with a sense of urgency.  
  
"Who is this?" I asked. I knew but I needed to hear it.  
  
"Tell me, do you still believe in the Lady?"  
  
"Ben?" I asked. "Ben what's up?"  
  
"Jondy I did something bad. But you still believe in the lady right?"  
  
I didn't reply for a moment. I hadn't thought about the Blue Lady since I had lived with the Martin's, since before the Pulse. I took a deep breath, "I don't think she's watching over me anymore."  
  
"She is, Jondy. I know she is."  
  
"Ben where are you?"  
  
"I'm in Miami." He said pathetically. "Can you come to me?"  
  
"I'm in Tucson. I could call Zack, he's on the East Coast."  
  
"Zack doesn't understand." Ben said sadly. "Please Jondy." his voice pleaded.  
  
I sighed, "Fine. Just. tell me what you did."  
  
"When you get here." He said and he hung up.  
  
I went into Ryan's room and got my clothes and my stuff and I left. I stole a small airplane and flew to Miami. I had pilot's certification from Manticore so I knew what I was doing and I kept the radio off and flew too low to be on radar.  
  
I landed and called him back. He met me by the water near the airport. He wasn't quite as tall as me but I knew he would be someday. His hair was blond but looked darker than it was. He smiled and hugged me. "Jondy."  
  
I returned the hug. After we separated he, he started walking on the beach. I walked with him. My pants rolled up so I could walk in the surf. "What's up Ben, how'd you get the number?"  
  
"Zane." He said.  
  
I winced. Even hearing his name hurt. "Did you call Zack?"  
  
"He doesn't understand." Ben said and he kicked at the sand, "But you do. You believed in the Lady."  
  
"When we were younger." I said sadly.  
  
"Do you want to believe again?"  
  
"I want to believe in something." I said honestly.  
  
"She still watches over us. We just gave up on her." He said.  
  
He was so convinced, I couldn't help but agree. I took a breath and then nodded. "We did."  
  
"We have to prove to her that we still believe."  
  
I got a pit in my stomach. "How?"  
  
Ben reached into his pocket and pulled out a small cloth package. He handed it to me. I opened it. "Are those real?" I asked looking at bloody teeth.  
  
"Of course. They make her heart strong or have you forgotten?"  
  
I was surprised. Shocked. "Where did you get them?"  
  
"From a man who wasn't strong enough."  
  
I jumped and dropped the teeth, "Ben you killed somebody?"  
  
"He wasn't strong enough." Ben said as he scrambled to pick up the teeth.  
  
"He's not a soldier like we are, we have special DNA Ben. Of course he wasn't as strong as you were."  
  
He looked up at me, "My faith makes me strong."  
  
"Your DNA does." I snapped back.  
  
"You said you wanted to believe in something."  
  
"Not murder!" I snapped back. "I'm calling Zack."  
  
He grabbed my legs, pleading, "Don't."  
  
I pulled away from him and moved away and pulled out my phone. I dialed Zack's number. "Hey it's me. I'm in Miami. I-"  
  
Ben kicked me, kicked the phone away. I turned, "What the hell Ben." I said.  
  
"I told you not to call." He said. His eyes had gone dark, haunted. It was a sight I never wanted to have ever seen. I wanted to look away but he never gave me the chance.  
  
We fought and I was taken back to my time with Syl instantly. Syl, Eva, Van, and I had been the best fighters. I was able to control Ben as he fought and I eventually got him into a position where I had my foot on his chest as he laid on the ground.  
  
"I'm calling Zack." I said again.  
  
"I'm already here." Zack said. "I'd been keeping an eye on Ben, I lost him until you called."  
  
Ben looked up at me as if I had betrayed him.  
  
"Zack's gonna get you help." I told Ben.  
  
"I don't need help." Ben said.  
  
"I've got it from here." Zack said.  
  
I nodded and left. I should have stayed longer, done more. But I had to get back to Ryan.  
  
When I returned to Arizona, Ryan was literally in bed with another girl. I was furious. I destroyed everything I could on my way out of his house and out of Arizona. I went to Utah. As I settled down in Salt Lake City, I suddenly realized it had been the day I had chosen for my birthday today. I was fourteen now. Fourteen going on fifty. 


	11. Skater Boy

Skater Boy"  
  
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1  
  
Utah, like everywhere else I had ever lived, brought promise of a fresh start. I could assume any identity that I wanted, I could have if I was normal. But no, I'm not. I'm far from and yet again, I was struck by my feline instincts.  
  
His name was Seth, he was an eighteen year old who thought I was sixteen. He had blond hair that was perpetually dyed. It was green when I first saw him. He was tall and nicely built. He wore low, baggy pants, thick, studded belts, a bright blue t-shirt over a white long sleeved shirt, and he had thick wrist bands like his belt. Seth was in a band, he played guitar and sang lead... if you could call it singing. His group was into Pre-Pulse skater punk or as he called it So-Cal Punk. His band, The Foosball Amputees, were playing at the club where I stopped to eat.  
  
He saw me instantly, as did every other warm blooded male in the room. I could feel the heat radiating from me. I maybe had an hour before it came full tilt, maybe. Guys literally started lining up to get at me. I ignored all of them. I wanted the Alpha's in the room. Seth was an Alpha.  
  
He finished whatever song he was playing and he ripped his guitar off and then jumped off the stage. He cut through the crowd to get to me and then we kissed. Some of the other Alpha men in the room got pissed and started a fight, somehow he led me out the back door.  
  
We stayed in the alley and he used the wall to balance as he fucked me. Unlike Ryan, he didn't try to do too much. It was relieving in it's own way.  
  
After he pulled his pants back up and zipped them close, "I'm Seth."  
  
"Riley Jonathan." I said, pulling the name out of my ass.  
  
He blushed, "Nice to meet you."  
  
I smiled, "You live near by?"  
  
He nodded and grabbed my hand and led me to his house.  
  
After my heat phase, we continued to date. He was much more romantic than Ryan had been, and he wasn't all about sex. We had sex, to say anything else would be a horrible lie but it wasn't like Ryan at all. Seth was looking out for me, he wanted the best for me.  
  
I soon stopped wearing my slutty clothes, you couldn't skate in shit like that. And Seth's friends all skated, so I learned. It took me all of an hour to learn how to do everything him and his friends did. But you can't skate in platform shoes.  
  
I was soon wearing my hair flat against my head, baggy jeans, logo t- shirts, chains thick belts, and canvas shoes.  
  
I was his muse. He would write songs when we were together, when we were apart, anytime he could; and they were almost always about me.  
  
But things weren't perfect.  
  
His drummer, Mark, came up to me once and was talking to me. He had also gotten his GED because school sucked and he was talking about college courses he had taken and how to do them via correspondence. He had said something and it made me laugh.  
  
Seth saw this and got pissed off. He came running over, decked Mark and then grabbed my arm. Honestly, I should have been pissed, retaliated. But when he said, "She's mine, I love her", it made it ok.  
  
It made it ok when he would slap me, he'd write a song and tell me he loved me, how he did it out of love. And every time he said that, I believed it. I wanted to.  
  
Once, around my fifteenth birthday, I had called Zack to ask him something about when exactly my birthday was and Seth heard me talking. He could tell it was a guy and he got pissed.  
  
He started smacking me around, all the while Zack sat on the other end listening to him hit me. So I thought, he had heard the first hit and then he hung up to call someone.  
  
About fifteen minutes after he started beating me, the door was kicked in. A tall, strongly built young black man stood in the doorway. He ran in and ripped Seth off of me and threw him across the room.  
  
"What the hell?" Seth asked as the guy helped me up, "Why is this *any* of your business?"  
  
The guy glared at him, I could barely see him through my swollen eyes. I heard his smooth deep voice, "She's my sister, you fuck hole."  
  
"Tosh?" I asked in a barely audible whisper.  
  
He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed, he hit an old but still sore bruise and that additional pain caused my legs to give out.  
  
Seth took a step to help me, Tosh got in front of him. "You like flying across the room or you just want me to beat you senseless."  
  
"It's not how it looks." I found myself saying.  
  
"Jondy, shut up." Tosh said in a low growl.  
  
I could hear Seth grin and chuckle, "Sorry man but her name's not Jondy. It's Riley." When I didn't back him, I could soon smell his fear, "Right?"  
  
Tosh turned and picked me up, "Honestly, you little shit, I don't care who you hit.... just not my baby sister."  
  
"Baby? She's almost seventeen." Seth said.  
  
"Try again." Tosh said, I knew he was glaring at me but I had closed my eyes.  
  
"Sixteen?" Seth asked.  
  
"One more."  
  
"Fifteen? She's almost fucking fifteen?" Seth demanded. "She's a fucking slut then."  
  
Tosh set me down slowly and then he turned and decked Seth. I could hear the bone break. Tosh laid several other blows and then I heard a thud. Seth fell to the ground. Dead or unconscious, I'll never know. Tosh came back to me and swept me back up in his arms and took me out of Salt Lake City.  
  
Two days later, Zack showed up. I expected him to lash out at me about how I should defend myself; but those words never came. He asked me to keep my bra on but take my other shirts off and show him the bruising.  
  
I did as he asked and he touched my skin lightly as he looked at each bruise. He sighed and spoke very softly, "What is it with you guys letting guys smack you around?"  
  
"Who is you guys?" I asked.  
  
"All the girls. Everyone of you has been hit at least once. Some this bad, some not as bad, some worse..." He said.  
  
I shrugged, I didn't know how to reply, how could I?  
  
He pulled me into a hug and held me for a few minutes. He had never held me like that before. It was a quite thrilling sensation, honestly. Zack was the most important person in my life and he was holding me for the first time.  
  
I was sad when he pulled away. He called Tosh back into the room. Tosh came in wearing a greased up wife-beater and low, baggy jeans. He leaned against his wall and waited patiently for his orders.  
  
"Tosh, you're free to stay for about six to nine months longer." Zack said. Tosh nodded, he was always a good soldier.  
  
Zack turned to me, "Everyone's been found, you're free to settle down."  
  
I brightened instantly, "Can I see Max?"  
  
He realized his mistake then, instantly. He sighed, "We'll talk about this later, I've got a place set up for you in LA. Can you stay out of trouble?"  
  
I nodded and grinned, talking about it later was better than a flat out no. Zack had stopped by my place in Salt Lake and got my bags. He didn't say anything about Seth, nor did I ask.  
  
I hugged Tosh goodbye and slid the cell phone list into his pocket. Zack led me out of the room and he drove me to LA. It was a silent ride, not awkward at all. We just didn't need to speak. That's what I love about Zack, we don't need to speak for everything to be ok. With Zack, everything was. 


	12. Broken Record of Reconcilliation

"Broken Record of Reconciliation"  
  
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1  
  
LA was more than I had expected in every way.  
  
I didn't keep a steady boyfriend during my time in LA. My first heat phase was split between Miguel and Julian. And then I didn't sleep with anybody for a while. It was nice in a way no fifteen year old should have to know.  
  
I talked on the phone a lot. To Tinga mostly. Zane still hated me, Syl wouldn't talk to me, Grix never wanted to talk, Van refused to use the number, Brin was always busy, Ben didn't have the number, Cade wasn't a big phone user and neither was Krit, and Max hadn't been seen by any of the others yet.  
  
Tinga had fallen in love with this guy named Charlie. He had money but wasn't rich, he was nice, he didn't hit her and he wouldn't even think of it, they slept together on special occasions or when she was in heat. It was actually a wonderful, healthy relationship.  
  
I was lying in bed in my dumpy LA apartment at four AM and I got a call. I picked up my phone, "Yeah?"  
  
"Jondy. It's me."  
  
"Hey Tinga... shouldn't you be sleeping?"  
  
"Yeah, probably." She said with a laugh, she was excited about something, "Guess what?"  
  
"Lydecker's been arrested and he'll be publicly executed and we can watch and spit at him?" I asked.  
  
"No, God, I wish. Guess again."  
  
I sighed, "I don't know, Tinga, what?"  
  
"I'm pregnant." She said and she squealed with delight.  
  
I smiled but I couldn't be excited for her, not yet. "Does Zack know?"  
  
"No." Tinga said, "And I don't plan to tell him until it's too late to abort." Tinga said.  
  
I sat up and rubbed my face, thinking, "Where are you living Tinga?"  
  
"Portland. Why?"  
  
"I'm coming to visit."  
  
"Jondy, if this is about--" She started but I jumped in, "It's going to be me, Zack, or Van. Besides, I want to meet the father."  
  
"Yeah... that the thing." She said.  
  
"What's the thing?" I asked.  
  
She hesitated, it was bad. "It might be Zane." she replied.  
  
"Oh?" I asked, my voice wavering. I had slept with how many other guys but hearing this broke my heart. "How?"  
  
"Heat." Tinga said, her voice instantly sympathetic, "Jon, I didn't mean to."  
  
"Hey, he hates me so why should I care, right?" I said, tears stinging my eyes.  
  
"I'll come to you." Tinga said quickly.  
  
"No, it's no problem; I want to get out of LA for a bit." I said, hiding my pain.  
  
"Jondy..."  
  
"T... really you don't have to say anything."  
  
"He's still in love with you." Tinga said in a rush.  
  
"We'll talk when I get to Portland." I said and I hung up.  
  
I cried harder than I had in years. The tears fell and they didn't stop. I struggled to the bathroom and downed half a bottle of Trypto and pulled my chin to my knees. The seizure I had then was bad enough that I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood.  
  
My cell phone must have been ringing continuously for the whole thing. I finally got up and looked at it, many missed calls. Mostly Tinga. Several from Brin, several from Grix, and to my shock one from Syl. The phone rang again and I waited for the caller ID to tell me who it was. Syl.  
  
I picked up. "Hi." I said weakly.  
  
"Are you ok?" Syl asked.  
  
"Define ok?"  
  
"Tinga says she's been trying to call you for the last two hours. Brin and Grix too. Are you avoiding everyone?"  
  
"I had a seizure." I said in a pathetic tone. Like one a growing child would use to tell their parents that they had wet the bed.  
  
"You're ok now?" Syl asked.  
  
"Again, define ok?"  
  
Syl took a deep breath, "I'm sorry about Zane. I know how much he meant to you."  
  
"Fuck Zane." I whispered.  
  
"And I'm sorry you let those guys smack you around." She said. "I know what it's like."  
  
"Then you know sorry doesn't help." I replied smartly.  
  
"Jondy... don't push me away." Syl said quietly.  
  
"Who pushed who?" I replied in the harshest voice I could muster.  
  
"What?" She asked.  
  
"I'll call." I hissed. "You said 'I'd call', the last couple hours has been the most you've called me EVER."  
  
"It's been bad Jon." She said. I wanted to reply something harsh, but she started crying. "Real bad." she whispered.  
  
I was pretty weirded out by Syl's crying but I didn't hold it against her. "Shhh... Syl. I'm right here."  
  
"Where's here?" She asked.  
  
"LA."  
  
"Where in LA?" She asked, perking a little.  
  
"Right on the Hollywood hill."  
  
"I'm in Santa Monica." She said.  
  
"I'll come to you." I said.  
  
"Meet me at the sign." She said and she hung up.  
  
I pulled on my jacket and hurried there. I was mere minutes from the sign so I waited nearly half an hour for her. She came walking up the hill, her hand shoved into her pockets; her blonde hair fell down her shoulders. She smiled when she saw me. I walked down to her and we hugged tightly. She started sobbing in my arms and I let tears run down my cheeks. She pulled back and wiped her tears away, "I've missed you so much."  
  
I managed a half-smile, "I missed you too."  
  
"Tinga's pregnant." Syl said, trying to start a conversation.  
  
"I know. I was going to go see her." I said. Syl nodded absently, "Do you want to come?" I asked.  
  
She looked to me disbelievingly, "But Zack said..."  
  
"Screw Zack. Do you want to come?"  
  
"Of course." She said.  
  
"Do you need to pack? I asked.  
  
"You're serious? You want me to come with you?"  
  
I shrugged and smiled, "It'll give us time to catch up."  
  
She smiled, "I'd like that."  
  
An hour or so later, she was asleep in a stolen truck and we were driving towards Portland. So much for catching up, but it was ok that she was sleeping. I liked it. She seemed so peaceful. At least one of us was at peace. 


End file.
